SPIRITUAL- I just spent the entire day with my inner saboteur: That bitch is MEAN!
My feelings a week in May 2018:
I'm not at 100% yet. I had a lot of major things happen to me all at the same time, within the same day, week, month! I am usually an optimistic person. I mean annoyingly optimistic. For the past 2 months, I have had a lot of successes and what feels like more pitfalls and yet I digress and continue towards my goals of having a successful holistic business. These past few days have been the perfect storm for my inner saboteur, my ego, that evil bitch to come out. Oh boy did she! I actually wanted to record these thoughts. As reluctant as I felt doing this, I felt it was necessary for me to share those inner demons that many people may face at their lowest of lows. We are all different but it’s comforting reading an example of those thoughts and how to overcome them.
About her: That evil bitch
She is evil! She is mean and cruel. I would state that she is an evil, gothic, wiccan goddess who has a short temper, short tolerance for any other person who doesn't appreciate others and she CAN NOT, no matter how it is told, spelled nor communicated to her listen. And don’t you dare try to talk to her or even speak to her, she will find the most negative thing to attack you with. The negativity. She is disgustingly negative. She's so negative she doesn't want to eat, sleep nor do anything to take care of herself. It’s her way or no way. She's open to retaliate so it's best to leave that bitch alone. In fact, I actually turned my phone to silent and I did not go on social media for an entire day. I didn't need to feed that dragon anything.
When did she come out?
My inner saboteur came out after I had a skype interview and I felt so confident that the job was truly mine. I wanted a job to supplement other expenses to running this business. I also ran out of money from my savings from not working. Time was running out and I just knew this job was mine. I felt great after the interview. I got another phone call. I was on the phone to schedule another interview at another location. Simultaneously, I received an email stating the position I had been hoping for and felt so good about was filled. The email was very passive and not really professional. I believe the response was got the impression of, "Sorry for the disappointing news!"
Wow. I didn't want any other job. I felt I was the perfect fit for the position. It could teach me how to manage my business while I am working for her. All of that was over. I had no other alternatives to working. I looked at my savings account, thought of what bills I needed to pay, though about how I quit my old job to pursue this! Fucking THIS!!! I could have stayed and have gotten my bonus! NOTHING beneficial came out of quitting. I'm a fucking fool! And....there she is! The fury, the anger, rage. I was so angry, I couldn’t sleep for more than 2 hours. I sat in the bed and sporadically went into angry tangents. Temper tantrums followed soon thereafter.
Feeling emotional and lazy (I didn’t want to apply for anymore jobs), I questioned why the fuck I tried to chase a dream? Why the fuck I believed in myself and I can't even sell shit (today)! I can't sell shit and I haven't been able to get a job! Are you useless? You are stupid. Fucjung stupid. Too stupid to keep your ass at a job and learn to fucking love it. Too stupid to stop chasing dreams. What the fuck is wrong with you? Stupid, bitch. You should be happy where you were. Now you're a single mother of 3 with no child support and you have the nerve to take a chance. What is wrong with you?
I spent random moments with this outer dialogue and I knew that evil bitch was out and open to hurting anyone who crossed her. So what did I do? I locked myself in my room almost all day. I turned off the thoughts in my mind on how to control her and how to make her, that evil bitch go away, was it “wrong” as to how I felt? I gave her no timeline, no eviction notice and allowed her to stay in the present as long as she wanted (She secretly had an eviction notice of 2 days). Whatever blurted out, came out and since I was alone, I wasn’t hurting anyone and it was what it was. So I decided to feel how I felt and not judge it. Who fucking cares if im at some “low vibration” or how being angry is bad for you and it prevents good things from happening. You know what? I was turned down from a job I thought I had secured.
In the midst of this, I had found out I was allergic to most foods that were in my pescetarian diet. I have peanut, gluten, wheat, egg and other allergies. All of a sudden, I haven't been selling any items in my store. I have no romantic life - THIS is by fucking force and not by choice! I have to go to court for my ex husband in 19k child support back pay AND I will have to prepare for the LIES he's about to tell the judge and she'll believe them. It's been 4 years and he'll shed a tear and she will fall for it again! The website I wanted to create, i can't possibly afford to pay for it, not without other forms of income coming in. That would be irresponsible. Im selling an item on ebay and this guy is dicking me around. I’m hungry and I can only eat twigs and dirt basically. I am fucking over it. That stupid bitch. That stupid bitch wasted my time and she didn't know what type of person she wanted to hire! Fucking wasted my time. So close, and still so fucked. I'm fucked and I have no way out.
This is what I dealt with all night long. The morning was similar. I had binge watched Netflix and was still doing so. About mid afternoon, I would make a sarcastic comment regarding something on the show. I knew a slither of my old self was coming back. I still had to be patient. That evil bitch was still here.
I can see the light!
I knew she was going away but it was going to take some time. It took a couple of more days but Lacye, came back to the forefront. Instead of judging myself, I was gentle and understanding of how the perfect storm allowed me to release some negative stressors. Do I believe those things? Nope. I do not. I know I was overly emotional and irrational. I couldn’t see the blessings and the path that was being created right before my eyes. What is for me is for me. The job, the unhealthy foods, the failure wasn’t meant for me. I was taking the failure personally. The failure was indicative that I should quit but a part of the path to my success. It’s carving the path. It’s when you can’t see the light, keep going.
I didn’t want to fight against my inner saboteur but I wanted her to safely vent. She needed to come out, throw her temper tantrum, release and go back to the deep dark corner she resides in. Since that time, I ‘ve still had a few setbacks. I did not get 3 really jobs I wanted. I feel this is an important time for me to learn some lessons I feel will become very beneficial to in the near future. My financial situation isn’t as bad as I dramatized it to be as well. I look back and I am really grateful I didn’t get those positions. Personalities, the workloads, it would have been too much for me to pursue my career in this field. The experience with the interviews, I feel I am learning how to hire accurately and efficiently when it’s time for me to hire. I have also had many opportunities to receive numerous certifications and to pursue my Masters by the end of the year. I would not have had this opportunity had I received the job offers. I would have completely ignored the phone calls and emails from my old school. I have also been accepted in other art and trade shows. I may not like this path but it seems better than what I was imagining for myself during this transition.
What was the point of it all?
The point behind the madness was with the frustration and changes happening in my life, I needed to vent and take a moment to let that negativity out but in a safe and healthy manner. This was my way. It will not be the way for many but I know myself and I knew that I would never let her get out of control. Living in society, we are told we shouldn’t feel a certain way because it is deemed as “bad.” But what if, you entertained that “bad” emotion for a moment? I mean for a moment. I mentioned earlier she had an eviction date. I never allow myself to be angry like that for more than 2 days. After 2 days, I need to get out and reluctantly do a lot of positive things for myself to break off the vibe. But for myself, exploring the “bad” thoughts allowed me to get it out quickly. I didn’t judge myself. Even in the holistic and spiritual world, we are told not to feel this way as it “lowers your vibrations,” and it does, but because of this, good things cannot follow. Bullshit. When else are you supposed to get those locked up, repressed emotions out? Even she needed a moment to shine. Tell me your thoughts. I would love to gain your perspective.