Loving yourself first to lose weight.

Five years ago, I was 30 and at my lowest of lows. I ate whatever satisfied my sadness, I never looked in the mirror, I didn’t take care of myself. It wasn’t until the day my then-husband walked out of the door to pursue another relationship that I paid attention to how I looked and felt, and the reality was more painful than I could bear.  Oh, dear Lord! What happened??? I remember in college being a size 6 and thinking I was fat! Ha. Ha. After 7 years in a marriage and three kids, I was a size 16. I have no problem with being any size -as long as you’re healthy and happy. I was neither. Not even close. I didn’t feel like I was myself within my own skin.


So, what now? Well, I lost some weight due to depression, stress, and trying to keep my head above water being a newly single mother of three with a house (house bills) and two car notes. As soon as I could get my feet on some form of firm ground, I inadvertently gained the weight back again! I spent around a year and a half dieting, starving, then emotionally eating back my feelings. I began to limit my beliefs and thought that I was unable to lose the weight and I should be happy being the size I was. I should settle. I began looking into catalogs where they sold clothing my size but made me feel ugly and like a senior citizen.


After that brief moment of settling, I decided I needed a break focusing on my weight and focusing on my emotional health. That’s when it all came together. I was divorcing my then-husband, and I made a pact with myself that I NEVER wanted to repeat ever being with someone like him again. In order to do so, I had to change myself internally and fix what attracted me to him. I never wanted to repeat that past ever again.


As I worked on myself, I realized that my focus on my physical appearance was incorrect. What was more important than my aesthetics was how I felt on the inside. I began to focus on myself emotionally and, eventually, I became happy from within. Then I decided I wanted not to focus on losing weight but to eat as healthy as possible. Why? Because I now love myself and I want to give my physical body a fighting chance.

I wanted to look on the outside as good as I feel on the inside. In order to accomplish this, I needed to focus on my emotional state. I had a few friends going through divorces along with me. I noticed them going to the gym to try to prove something to everyone. I knew, for myself, I wanted to fix what was wrong with me on the inside first, and I never wanted to relapse back into toxic habits.


I began to change my eating habits: from processed foods to natural foods and not eating salt. It turned into a lifestyle. Next, I wanted to add exercising into the picture because I knew my body must be active in order to live a long and happy life. That was my goal and, eventually, I began to lose the weight. I lost so much weight, I gave majority of my old clothing to my mother. She loves this part of my journey.


In between this time of growth, I dated a time or two. I began to notice a habit.  if I wasn’t happy in the relationship, I would begin to eat excessively and gain weight again. When I recognized this routine, I realized I was in an unhealthy situation.  The relationship would end shortly after this. I also noticed my correlation between myself and food: When I personally wasn’t “happy”, I would emotionally eat. This would mean, for me, it was time to look within and fix what was wrong.


When I got rid of the trigger, I would revert back to eating healthy and living a healthier lifestyle. It became apparent that I had to get rid of ALL toxic people, jobs, and stressors in my life. Of course, we all have to manage a bit of stress but nothing too extreme where I would go on a doughnut binge.


At my last corporate job, I began to eat emotionally. I didn’t realize it as much because I ate a lot of healthy foods but in huge portions. Ha. Ha! Imagine eating a bag of organic grapes on the phone while you’re fixing a client’s issue then going to lunch.


During this weight loss journey, I made a lot of changes, and I summarized my reason, and I still use it till this day, “I love myself more than…” More than to deal with a job that is stressing me out, more than a guy who cannot respect me enough, more than to put up with anyone disrespecting me, more than to put up with anyone’s shit. I love myself more than to eat junk food and not give my body a fighting chance. More than to cut my life short.

I later realized as long as I was happy with how I felt on the inside and appeared in my current state, then I could attempt to lose more weight. I now think of losing weight as a goal I want to set and not a necessity because of what society is judging me. I have traveled, gotten tattoos, had romances, and I didn’t let my weight at that time hinder me.  I have a set size I would like to be ideally, but I have done so much in this lifetime as of right now, I will get there, but it isn’t the end-all, be-all if I do not reach the goal.

I’ve lost almost 80 pounds now, and I am okay. Better than okay, actually. I’m fantastic. I still have my “feeling fat days,” where I have some reverted emotions from my past, but that is a battle I will mention in a separate article. I love myself more than I have ever loved me before. I know this sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth. It wasn’t until I fixed what was wrong emotionally and love myself fully that I could lose the weight and how I felt on the inside manifested to how I looked on the outside.  


Five years ago, I was 30 and at my lowest of lows. I ate whatever satisfied my sadness, I never looked in the mirror, I didn’t take care of myself. It wasn’t until the day my then-husband walked out of the door to pursue another relationship that I paid attention to how I looked and felt, and the reality was more painful than I could bear.  Oh, dear Lord! What happened??? I remember in college being a size 6 and thinking I was fat! Ha. Ha. After 7 years in a marriage and three kids, I was a size 16. I have no problem with being any size -as long as you’re healthy and happy. I was neither. Not even close. I didn’t feel like I was myself within my own skin.


So, what now? Well, I lost some weight due to depression, stress, and trying to keep my head above water being a newly single mother of three with a house (house bills) and two car notes. As soon as I could get my feet on some form of firm ground, I inadvertently gained the weight back again! I spent around a year and a half dieting, starving, then emotionally eating back my feelings. I began to limit my beliefs and thought that I was unable to lose the weight and I should be happy being the size I was. I should settle. I began looking into catalogs where they sold clothing my size but made me feel ugly and like a senior citizen.


After that brief moment of settling, I decided I needed a break focusing on my weight and focusing on my emotional health. That’s when it all came together. I was divorcing my then-husband, and I made a pact with myself that I NEVER wanted to repeat ever being with someone like him again. In order to do so, I had to change myself internally and fix what attracted me to him. I never wanted to repeat that past ever again.


As I worked on myself, I realized that my focus on my physical appearance was incorrect. What was more important than my aesthetics was how I felt on the inside. I began to focus on myself emotionally and, eventually, I became happy from within. Then I decided I wanted not to focus on losing weight but to eat as healthy as possible. Why? Because I now love myself and I want to give my physical body a fighting chance.


I wanted to look on the outside as good as I feel on the inside. In order to accomplish this, I needed to focus on my emotional state. I had a few friends going through divorces along with me. I noticed them going to the gym to try to prove something to everyone. I knew, for myself, I wanted to fix what was wrong with me on the inside first, and I never wanted to relapse back into toxic habits.


I began to change my eating habits: from processed foods to natural foods and not eating salt. It turned into a lifestyle. Next, I wanted to add exercising into the picture because I knew my body must be active in order to live a long and happy life. That was my goal and, eventually, I began to lose the weight. I lost so much weight, I gave majority of my old clothing to my mother. She loves this part of my journey.


In between this time of growth, I dated a time or two. I began to notice a habit.  if I wasn’t happy in the relationship, I would begin to eat excessively and gain weight again. When I recognized this routine, I realized I was in an unhealthy situation.  The relationship would end shortly after this. I also noticed my correlation between myself and food: When I personally wasn’t “happy”, I would emotionally eat. This would mean, for me, it was time to look within and fix what was wrong.


When I got rid of the trigger, I would revert back to eating healthy and living a healthier lifestyle. It became apparent that I had to get rid of ALL toxic people, jobs, and stressors in my life. Of course, we all have to manage a bit of stress but nothing too extreme where I would go on a doughnut binge.


At my last corporate job, I began to eat emotionally. I didn’t realize it as much because I ate a lot of healthy foods but in huge portions. Ha. Ha! Imagine eating a bag of organic grapes on the phone while you’re fixing a client’s issue then going to lunch.


During this weight loss journey, I made a lot of changes, and I summarized my reason, and I still use it till this day, “I love myself more than…” More than to deal with a job that is stressing me out, more than a guy who cannot respect me enough, more than to put up with anyone disrespecting me, more than to put up with anyone’s shit. I love myself more than to eat junk food and not give my body a fighting chance. More than to cut my life short.


I later realized as long as I was happy with how I felt on the inside and appeared in my current state, then I could attempt to lose more weight. I now think of losing weight as a goal I want to set and not a necessity because of what society is judging me. I have traveled, gotten tattoos, had romances, and I didn’t let my weight at that time hinder me.  I have a set size I would like to be ideally, but I have done so much in this lifetime as of right now, I will get there, but it isn’t the end-all, be-all if I do not reach the goal.


I’ve lost almost 80 pounds now, and I am okay. Better than okay, actually. I’m fantastic. I still have my “feeling fat days,” where I have some reverted emotions from my past, but that is a battle I will mention in a separate article. I love myself more than I have ever loved me before. I know this sounds cheesy, but it’s the truth. It wasn’t until I fixed what was wrong emotionally and love myself fully that I could lose the weight and how I felt on the inside manifested to how I looked on the outside.